Small Talk: Writers’ Edition

Every year, I go to the Surrey International Writers’ Conference. The tea is plentiful—which is most important—and so are the other writers. Conversations are with people also interested in the review bombing scandal a couple years ago that doesn’t really have a name. Here’s how to make that small talk work.

1. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single writer in possession of an unpublished novel, must be in wont of an audience. Ask about their book!
   

2. Their book isn’t the only book out there. One or the other of you has to have read something good… or even something you want to complain about. (I think we can all agree that Ulysses is impossible to get through. More controversial—why would you want to? I don’t need this guy’s stream of consciousness when he’s literally using the toilet.)
   

3. Expand the talk to different genres. Horror is for scares. Romance is for smooches. If a mystery author doesn’t tell you whodunnit, you are legally allowed to come to their house with a pitchfork.
   

4. Find someone who knows more than you and get the inside scoop. Warning: If you try this with another unpublished writer, it may devolve into mutual griping about why you can’t just hogtie an agent and bring them home with you (sadly, this has not yet been legalized).
   

5. As a last resort you could, you know, ask them about themselves. Though they’ll probably just end up telling you about their book.